Elixir, or How Rodney McKay Got His Coffee Back

[kaizoku]

This is my story for atlantisbasics, 11 days late. Writing this was a bit like pulling teeth, but I'm fairly happy with the end result. It's posted over there as well.

Recipient: ga_unicorn
Author: kaizoku
Rating: PG
Category: Gen, slightly crackish.
Spoilers: Season 1, general for Season 2
Summary: Where the hell was the coffee? (2777 words.)



"You know, the introduction of coffee to Europe coincided with the Scientific Revolution," Rodney mused one afternoon in the lab. "Coffee is basically the elixir of the advancement of society. No, don't look at me like that, it's true. In Constantinople, coffeehouses were called 'schools of wisdom.' And I don't think it's even possible to complete grad school without it."

"I didn't--" Dr. Kavanagh began, but Rodney spoke over him.

"Not efficiently anyway, not in less than three years. Yes, Kavanagh, what were you saying? Anyway, I would even go so far as to say that the major thing that separates us from the Genii scientists is the amount of caffeine we have available. And of course, better leadership, but that goes without saying."

- - - - -

Rodney flung aside a stack of graham cracker boxes and peered into the cupboard, eyes scanning for the muted shine of the treasured blue bags. He reached a hand in and felt around. It was empty.

Where the hell was the coffee?

He was sure this was where the bags had been stored. He had supervised the food transport himself. The coffee should be here. Unless they'd moved it around on him. But there was plenty of coffee now, so he didn't see why the kitchen staff would do that. He had calculated coffee consumption against the total amount the Daedalus had brought, and assuming that the scientists continued to average 6 cups a day (Miko claimed not to drink coffee and Zelenka limited himself to two cups a day, which brought the mean down) and the military staff continued at 2.4 cups a day, they should have enough to last another six months, by which time the Daedalus would have gone and returned. So really, there was no reason for this insane paranoia.

Suddenly Rodney became terrified that perhaps the coffee really had disappeared. Maybe -- maybe someone had destroyed the shipment out of spite for the scientists. There had been some rivalries lately. Maybe there had been an accident and all of it had to be thrown out. Maybe there was an infestation of coffee-eating rodents or whatever passed for rodents on Atlantis. He told himself that that was ridiculous, but he could feel his breath coming quicker and his chest tightening. He could see six months of dangerously low caffeine levels spreading out before him. And he only had three bags stashed in his room...

Rodney was about to radio Elizabeth about the impending coffee crisis, when the transmitter clicked and emitted white noise followed by Telya's breathless voice.

"This is Teyla -- I am reporting an emergency. The men guarding the armory have been knocked out and the armory raided. Sora of the Genii was seen coming this direction -- I think it must have been her."

Huh, it figured. He had known letting her have free rein of the city had been a bad idea. A guard was supposed to be with her at all times, but apparently that hadn’t done much good.

"Teyla," Elizabeth answered almost immediately. "We can't locate her on the life signs scanner. Do you know which way she is headed?"

"I do not. But if it is indeed her, I suspect that she will try to escape through the Stargate."

"Okay." Elizabeth switched over to the city-wide. "This is Dr. Weir. A prisoner, Sora, has raided the armory and is trying to escape. Assume that she is armed and dangerous. I need guards in the control room and the jumper bay A.S.A.P."

Another click and Sheppard responded: "On it."

Not forgetting the coffee situation but putting it aside for now, Rodney pulled his sidearm out of the thigh holster. He doubted that Sora would be able to escape from Atlantis with their security. But she could still take hostages and Rodney had had enough of that between the first and second times. He edged out of the kitchen and started working his way toward the labs. He hoped his scientists would have enough sense to protect themselves or at least lock the door, but given that most of them were constantly "forgetting" to carry the weapons assigned to them, he didn't have a lot of faith.

His radio clicked on again, the speaker wasn't talking directly into it, so it was hard to hear.

"...above the city..." The voice became louder. "McKay, we need you in the control room. McKay to the control room."

He was about to respond, when he saw someone with curly blonde hair turning the corner. Without stopping to think, he dashed after the person.

"Freeze!" Rodney yelled, pointing his gun at her. She turned; it was Sora. She had on a backpack and was carrying a large duffel bag, both looking stuffed near to bursting.

"McKay," Sora said, eyes narrowing. Her free hand moved toward her pants pocket.

"Don't move or I'll shoot -- don't move!" He shouted as she reached into her pocket. He had no problem shooting Wraith, but a fellow human was different. He released the safety on the gun.

"I'm warning you," he began to say, when there was a burst of light in the corridor and Sora disappeared.

- - - - -

The control room was in uproar when Rodney got there. Elizabeth was in the middle of the commotion, looking at a screen and quizzing Zelenka. She looked up as he made his way past half a dozen harried-looking technicians, and called him over.

"Rodney, we've just been buzzed by a Wraith dart. We've got the shield up now, but --"

"Did it use the beam on us?" Rodney interrupted.

"Yes. We only noticed it because of the beam, in fact," Zelenka said. "They are using some kind of cloaking like puddlejumpers."

"But we haven't detected any foreign presence using the life signs scanner," Elizabeth added.

"No, you wouldn't. They beamed out Sora."

"What?"

"She's the one who called it. She touched something in her pocket and then she was beamed out. It makes sense."

"But why would the Wraith do that?"

Rodney snagged a chair and a laptop and started typing. "I'm betting it wasn't Wraith at all. The Genii probably found an abandoned dart, like Ford did. Where they got the cloaking technology is another matter..."

He pulled up video of the dart skimming over the city and -- yeah, he was right. Even without cross-referencing with a map of the city, he could tell that the beam had hit in the general vicinity of that corridor. He spun his chair around.

"See, right here,” he pointed at the screen. “What did she take?"

It turned out Sora had taken about quarter of their C4, two P-90s, and some ammo. They met in the conference room to decide on a course of action.

"I think we should count ourselves lucky that we didn't lose anything more and let this go," Elizabeth said.

"Won't that send a message that we're, you know, soft?" Sheppard put in.

"Perhaps. But it also sends the message that this is not enough to cripple us. I'm more concerned about whether she was able to steal any critical information from us," Elizabeth said, looking to Rodney.

"I don't think so. Obviously letting her run around the city was a bad idea," Rodney said. Sheppard rolled his eyes. "But I don't think she could have seen anything important with her 'escort' following her around."

"Are you sure we shouldn't try and find her, so we can find out? And get our stuff back?" Sheppard asked.

"No, I don't think so,” Elizabeth replied. “It seems unlikely that attacking would help us get our weapons back. Besides, we don't know who picked her up. It could be anyone. We shouldn't even dismiss the possibility that the dart was flown by a Wraith."

"There's a way to know that," Ronon commented from where he was leaning against the wall. "Teyla, did you feel anything?"

She had not. The meeting adjourned, the team deciding not to pursue the matter.

"Though I don't know why she didn't take more C4," Rodney commented. "It's not like what she did take wouldn't be enough to blow herself up with."

Then he stopped and thought for a moment. It couldn't be... could it? He rushed off to check the security video feeds.

- - - - -

What the hell, Rodney thought, watching the blurry video feed on which Sora was raiding the coffee pantry. It looked like she had made off with the entire supply of coffee (excluding what was hidden away in various scientists' rooms.) He guessed that that was what had been in the backpack. And now that backpack full of premium coffee beans could be basically anywhere in the galaxy.

His pulse was racing. He stood up and paced the room, wiping his sweaty palms on his trousers. He would start rationing what little he had left. He hadn’t had any coffee in -- he checked his watch -- three hours. He could already feel the withdrawal symptoms kicknig in, making him feel tired and anxious -- and panicked that this might continue indefinitely.

He couldn't give in. Giving in was... failure. It was constant headaches and falling asleep at his computer and food getting stuck in his throat because he didn't have any hot black coffee to wash it down. It was hell.

So, he went back to talk to Elizabeth.

She was puzzled. "Why would she take coffee? She could have fit more C4, right? Why not take that instead of coffee?"

"I don't know! But she took all of it! The. Entire. Supply. Of. Coffee."

"Yes, Rodney, I realize this," Elizabeth said. "And I think it's very interesting. But we've already made the decision not to take action."

"Right, but that was before we knew the full extent of the damage!"

"Rodney. We're not sending out a rescue mission for coffee."

"Wait, wait, wait," Rodney said, "You're just going to let them take our coffee? All of our coffee?"

"I realize this may be a hardship for some people, but I don't think that you can reasonably expect --"

"Elizabeth, I don't think you understand the magnitude of the problem." Elizabeth blinked at him and he could see her growing impatience. It just made him more desperate. He forced himself to breathe steadily and lowered his voice.

"Look, no coffee means no... sanity. No sanity means no work gets done. No work gets done, Wraith come back, we DIE. You see how this is important?"

"Rodney, I'm sure you'll function perfectly fine in a few days. Maybe you should try some tea in the meantime." Elizabeth stood up, "I think we're done now."

"Tea! The woman wants me to drink tea!" Rodney growled. He wasn't going to freak out. He wasn't... He just needed to not hyperventilate.

And he needed a plan. He was damned if he was going to let those bastards have his coffee.

- - - - -

And that was how he ended up tied to a chair, with a gag in his mouth and a pounding headache from being whacked over the head by one of Kolya's men. PX5-798 had looked like a very nice planet as he stepped out of the Stargate... before everything went black.

"Ah, Dr. McKay. How nice to see you again. I thought you might drop by." Jesus, the man was just as infuriating as always. Though he was happy to see he looked more than a little threadbare.

Rodney tried to... express his pleasure at their meeting again, but with the fabric in his mouth, it was completely jumbled.

"Yes, I took the liberty of muting your obnoxious voice," Kolya informed him. "I have no need of anything you could tell me, at this point. I've already told Weir that if they want you back, they're going to give me all of the C4. Do you think that's a fair trade for your life, McKay?"

Oh, no. Hadn't they been through this before? That was so not happening.

"I fail to understand, however, why you would put yourself in danger for this -- what do you call it? Coffee? Very bitter stuff. I would have expected you to prefer sweet drinks, McKay."

"Actually, I quite like it." Sora's haughty voice said from behind him. He turned his head to see her saunter in with a cup of his coffee in her hand. God, he could smell it from here. "But you were wrong about it enhancing intelligence. As you probably know by now, our scientists have already figured out how to duplicate the cloaking technology on Atlantis. And we didn't need your coffee to do it."

Rodney settled for glaring daggers at her and muttering what he hoped sounded like dire threats of dismemberment and the like.

Then he heard the familiar sound of wormhole opening, and Kolya was walking away, speaking into his wrist radio. He returned a few minutes later.

"Apparently Weir thinks it is a fair trade," Kolya said, coming closer and unsheathing a knife. Rodney assumed it was to cut him loose from the chair. "I'm not so sure myself," Kolya continued. "Maybe I'll just get rid of you for good." Kolya brought the knife up along his throat. The blade pressed lightly against his skin but didn’t break it. Rodney immediately needed to swallow, and desperately repressed the urge.

He needed a way to stall the Genii commander, but he couldn't say anything. His brain wasn’t working fast enough and all he could think of was that it was because of the damned lack of coffee.

Then several things happened all at once: Sora started to say something, he saw a flicker of movement behind Kolya, and he heard gunfire outside. Then someone -- it looked like Ronon -- had Kolya in a headlock and the knife fell from his hand, just glancing off Rodney's throat. He looked around the room to see Teyla overpowering Sora, and taking -- oh God yes! -- her backpack from her.

- - - - -

Eventually, Rodney got untied and un-gagged (though he found it suspicious that it took Ronon so long to get around to that) and got his hands on the backpack, which was fortunately still full of coffee bags. The smell was intoxicating after so many caffeine-free hours. The Genii had only consumed part of one bag, and he couldn't help smirking at that -- of course they didn't perceive any immediate effect; you had to drink more than a single cup to really boost your IQ.

"Are you kidding?" He laughed at Sora and Kolya, who sat scowling and tied up on the floor, "I've been drinking coffee since I was twelve. You thought you could duplicate that with one cup? You know, I'd offer to let you try some more -- but let me think -- how about no." He enjoyed the looks on their faces for a moment before Teyla pushed him none-too-subtly towards the door.

That was when he saw his reflection in the pane of glass on the door and realized that he was bleeding from the neck. It looked really, really bad but Ronon said it was just a scratch and once he wiped the blood off (wondering if his jugular was going to burst open at any moment) he decided he was probably right and he could wait until he got back to Atlantis to freak out about almost dying. Again.

The plan had been for the cloaked jumper to follow him through the Stargate on the way in. But apparently there hadn’t been a long enough window and instead they had had to hitch a ride with the Daedalus to get out there. It was parked just behind the complex, still cloaked. He and Teyla took it back through the Stargate. He kept the backpack on his lap the whole time, as he flew the jumper.

From what he gathered from Teyla, it looked like Kolya had been planning some kind of rebellion against the Genii government, and the twisty politics of that just made Rodney glad that Elizabeth was the one who got to deal with it. Though he wasn't looking forward to being in his own shoes so much when she inevitably came to chew him out for going around her.

It was alright, though, because once he had seen Beckett and gotten through the line of grateful scientists who were no doubt waiting to greet their returning hero, he was going to sit down and have a nice, hot cup of coffee.

- - - - -

Notes:
ga_unicorn requested:
a) exploring Atlantis, the city or the mainland;
b) Kolya seeking revenge;
c) McKay in full panic attack

I tried for (b) and a little bit of (c). The story idea was actually from a friend of mine (who’s not on LJ.)

Also, information on coffee came from wikipedia and this website.

Comments

[tucker620.livejournal.com]

*toasts the conquering hero with a cup of dark roast of her own!* ^^

[kaizoku.livejournal.com]

*g* I'm actually not much of a coffee drinker myself, but today I had a huge urge for it. (Fortunately I didn't have to go to such extreme measures to obtain it.)