travis take pretty pictures, i make icon, the end.

[kaizoku]

It's kind of depressing when your therapist has to tell you that you're depressed, I think. I've been sort of stumbling around thinking "yay fandom!" thoughts and rather ignoring my mental (and physical, which is somewhere back around "not sick" but not yet entirely well) state. It infiltrates everything though, really. One reason I don't do more meta posts is that, well, meta being what it is, it tends to be about the downsides more often than not, and thinking about the downsides gets me feeling low. And then I can't seem to write anything. I wish I found it motivating instead.

So, now I'm doing that thing where I go around and around in my head trying to figure out if I'm depressed or not and does it matter and should I go to a psych doc and get pills. I've somehow managed to never take anti-depressants despite being mildly to moderately depressed for most of my life. That feels like an outrageous statement to make, "I've been depressed most of my life." I can't think of a time when it didn't feel like I was struggling though. I mean there's degrees, obviously. Last spring > last fall, for example. I've felt happy lots of times. I'm not saying I have major depression, at all. Many people have much worse problems than mine and I should just shut up. Blah.

I'm not sure why I'm talking about this here. But this is one of my few social outlets right now. Also, I know I have a tendency to separate my online life and my real life - a little too much perhaps. (I have issues with meatspace.) I think we all pretty much want to be happy fannish bunnies and eat grass and stuff. (What? I totally want to eat grass, don't you? Wherein grass is a metaphor. For, um, something.) My point is that I'm trying to get to a better place, a greener meadow if you will, and this seems to require that I actually have some plan for how I live my life instead of just doing whatever I feel like at the moment, which is mostly lie around and read fanfiction and feel sorry for myself. Which is pretty pathetic and really I don't want to be doing that, not on a large scale, especially since I'm not really even enjoying it because I've let myself get too depressed to enjoy anything. (There, be done, sentence.)

Honestly, I'm so sick of lists that go:
1. Get exercise (at least 3x/week)
2. Eat regularly at established, traditional eating times
3. Get up early and do work
4. Make finishing things a priority
5. Go to bed by 11

...but it's probably a good idea. Even though I always feel like it's just a way to make my life that much more predictable and boring. I went to bed at 9pm last night actually. That was pretty crazy. (Especially since I woke up at about 4 this morning.) On the other hand, my life has been pretty damn dull lately so maybe this will shake things up.

Ok, I now have an appointment with a p-doc on Friday. Wish me luck. I will attempt to walk that fine line between "I'm depressed so give me drugs plz" and "No really, I have no plans to walk off a bridge any time soon." alk;sdfjlkjas. I just remembered it's the guy my dad goes to, so this could be good or bad. Or messy. Why did I let my mom talk me into this?! Why can't I think? I'm sorry, I can't explain this at all. I'm just going to worry about it.

Oh yeah, I wrote some things for the porn battle. I will probably link to them later and also make recs if I have the where-with-all for that.

This kind of got ridiculously long, sorry. If anyone actually read it, you get a cookie.