travis take pretty pictures, i make icon, the end.

[kaizoku]

It's kind of depressing when your therapist has to tell you that you're depressed, I think. I've been sort of stumbling around thinking "yay fandom!" thoughts and rather ignoring my mental (and physical, which is somewhere back around "not sick" but not yet entirely well) state. It infiltrates everything though, really. One reason I don't do more meta posts is that, well, meta being what it is, it tends to be about the downsides more often than not, and thinking about the downsides gets me feeling low. And then I can't seem to write anything. I wish I found it motivating instead.

So, now I'm doing that thing where I go around and around in my head trying to figure out if I'm depressed or not and does it matter and should I go to a psych doc and get pills. I've somehow managed to never take anti-depressants despite being mildly to moderately depressed for most of my life. That feels like an outrageous statement to make, "I've been depressed most of my life." I can't think of a time when it didn't feel like I was struggling though. I mean there's degrees, obviously. Last spring > last fall, for example. I've felt happy lots of times. I'm not saying I have major depression, at all. Many people have much worse problems than mine and I should just shut up. Blah.

I'm not sure why I'm talking about this here. But this is one of my few social outlets right now. Also, I know I have a tendency to separate my online life and my real life - a little too much perhaps. (I have issues with meatspace.) I think we all pretty much want to be happy fannish bunnies and eat grass and stuff. (What? I totally want to eat grass, don't you? Wherein grass is a metaphor. For, um, something.) My point is that I'm trying to get to a better place, a greener meadow if you will, and this seems to require that I actually have some plan for how I live my life instead of just doing whatever I feel like at the moment, which is mostly lie around and read fanfiction and feel sorry for myself. Which is pretty pathetic and really I don't want to be doing that, not on a large scale, especially since I'm not really even enjoying it because I've let myself get too depressed to enjoy anything. (There, be done, sentence.)

Honestly, I'm so sick of lists that go:
1. Get exercise (at least 3x/week)
2. Eat regularly at established, traditional eating times
3. Get up early and do work
4. Make finishing things a priority
5. Go to bed by 11

...but it's probably a good idea. Even though I always feel like it's just a way to make my life that much more predictable and boring. I went to bed at 9pm last night actually. That was pretty crazy. (Especially since I woke up at about 4 this morning.) On the other hand, my life has been pretty damn dull lately so maybe this will shake things up.

Ok, I now have an appointment with a p-doc on Friday. Wish me luck. I will attempt to walk that fine line between "I'm depressed so give me drugs plz" and "No really, I have no plans to walk off a bridge any time soon." alk;sdfjlkjas. I just remembered it's the guy my dad goes to, so this could be good or bad. Or messy. Why did I let my mom talk me into this?! Why can't I think? I'm sorry, I can't explain this at all. I'm just going to worry about it.

Oh yeah, I wrote some things for the porn battle. I will probably link to them later and also make recs if I have the where-with-all for that.

This kind of got ridiculously long, sorry. If anyone actually read it, you get a cookie.

Comments

[nunshavingfun.livejournal.com]

Oh my god. I love you but you will feel so much better if you just do your work and run around. Get away from your computer more!!! Computers suck out your soul and make you feel icky bodywise

[kaizoku.livejournal.com]

I know, I know! I've been keeping my soul in my computer for safe keeping, is that a bad idea? I promise to take myself out for a bike ride or something today. LU.

[nunshavingfun.livejournal.com]

Even if you go chill with your parents or something.

[kaizoku.livejournal.com]

I did some work! And then I danced to Fancy Footwork! Someday I should make a video of that and put it on youtube. Except I'd probably end up like Star Wars kid or something. Not that there aren't millions of videos of people dancing badly on youtube already. But that's the kind of luck I have.

[nunshavingfun.livejournal.com]

YES! You would totally be the next dork from Youtube!

[ainsley.livejournal.com]

♥

[kaizoku.livejournal.com]

♥ back!

[rawkenr0ll.livejournal.com]

I read it.

Sounds suspiciously like my own life.

That's mildly upsetting.











Good luck with the doctor. Hope it helps.

[kaizoku.livejournal.com]

*gives you a cookie* Aha, sorry. They are pretty common issues, which is one reason I don't always lock this kind of stuff. But it can be depressing to read about, I know, so don't read it if it brings you down. That would suck.

Thanks! It can't hurt anyway. Unless there's crazy side effects or something. Maybe it'll lower my sex drive! I don't know if that would be good or bad. :-\

[rawkenr0ll.livejournal.com]

Nah. Child abuse is depressing to read about; this is just life. Venting is healthy, and we're lucky as bloggers to have a way to vent where we actually get feedback and a format that we can edit that gives us time to think about what we're saying. It's pretty neat imo.

Yeah, side effects get nuts. BUT NOW IS NOT THE TIME FOR HORROR STORIES. GOOD LUCK.

[kaizoku.livejournal.com]

Venting is healthy, and we're lucky as bloggers to have a way to vent where we actually get feedback and a format that we can edit that gives us time to think about what we're saying. It's pretty neat imo.

This is all true. I always end up editing stuff 5 times after I've posted too.

*ignores the HORROR STORIES OMG*

I want to listen to bands that don't even exist yet. So much.

[nimnod.livejournal.com]

*claims cookie and gives you a hug*

[kaizoku.livejournal.com]

Thanks. *gives cookie and claims hug*

[ozsaur.livejournal.com]

Nearly everything you said here can apply to me. About half way through I scratched my head and wondered, did I write this?

I'm glad you made an appointment and that you're getting help. Hang in there! It looks like I'm hanging right next to you. *g*

[kaizoku.livejournal.com]

Heh, that's sort of reassuring in a weird way. It actually is helping somewhat just to have written it out and have it here like a reminder.

Should I send you "hang in there" kitty picspam? *hugs*

[ozsaur.livejournal.com]

Should I send you "hang in there" kitty picspam?

Heh! Kitties make the world a better place.

Cute Overload rulez!